Sometimes we can be our worst critics. Here is how to befriend yourself and treat yourself with kindness and love.
My friend Nicole was recently laid off. She has worked there for three years. It has not only cut off her income but also taken a toll on her mental health. She was not the only one that the company let go of at this difficult time. But yet, she blamed it on herself as “not being the top performer.”
“If I have cut the deal in January, it wouldn’t be me now.” But before that, she was considered as a candidate for promotion. The change hits her hard.
I spent an entire day with her, listening to her and stop her from denying herself. There are a lot of factors that came into play, especially in this economy. “You are not incompetent. Look at all the projects you’ve done and all the challenges you’ve pulled off. If you can do it back then, you can do it somewhere else.”
Fast forward to five years ago, I looked everywhere trying to get a job but couldn’t. But I never told myself the same thing as I did to Nicole. Self-doubt became a routine. As much as I wanted to cheer myself up, I failed miserably.
There’s a difference between being realistic and being self-sabotaging. And I have somehow crossed the line. What would have happened if I was a little nicer and kinder to myself?
Self-love doesn’t magically solve all your problems. But a positive mindset betters your chance to do so. So what exactly should you do to befriend yourself except for reading all these self-love quotes online? If you are battling with your inner critic, here are eight simple ways to treat yourself a little nicer and to love yourself more.
8 Simple Ways To Befriend Yourself
Talk to yourself like you would to a friend
Self-talk matters. It is not a big deal to doubt yourself every once in a while, especially in the face of uncertainty. But if you keep telling yourself, “I suck” ten times a day, the negative statement will creep into your subconsciousness. And the next thing you know, you stop trying.
A way to befriend yourself and to flip your negative self-talk is to imagine yourself as your best friend. Will you tell them they are losers, or they are not going to make it? Probably won’t. So why would you do this to yourself? Be your cheerleader, root for you.
Give yourself permission to rest
I used to think that if I stop posting or stop working, something bad will happen. Life will punish me for being lazy. Tell me if I am the only one.
As burnout hit in June 2020, I realized I couldn’t go forward with an empty gas tank. The permission to rest is the best gift I ever give myself.
It takes time and practice to stop feeling guilty about resting. If you don’t have a few days for a vacation, start with 15-minute breaks. These empty slots of your schedule will refresh your brain and give you more energy to tackle your daily tasks. Thus, worth it.
Know your peak and valley
We all have our prime time and low time. I am a morning person, and I get up at around 5 am. My productivity is at the highest before noon. That’s why I usually dedicate my mornings to difficult tasks.
In the afternoon, my attention span starts to shrink. And that’s the time I used for household chores. Because I am aware of energy fluctuations, I don’t feel guilty about being unproductive during my downtime.
You can start documenting your mood shifts during the day with a journal. With a week or so, you will find a pattern that helps you to schedule more mindfully. And you will get more done and stress less.
Quit what doesn’t work for you
Our culture praises tenacity and perseverance. We were told that quitting is for losers when we were kids. But what if you have given your everything, but your dreams still don’t work for you?
Knowing when to quit is underrated. If Starbucks only sells beans as it did initially, we won’t see them at every corner of the streets. Nintendo used to sell vacuum cleaners. Crazy, right? The point is, when you make your first goals, you don’t always have the best judgments.
As you grow, you are more aware of your skills, passion, and expertise. Quitting what’s not right for you takes courage. To befriend yourself, you need to cut what’s dragging you down and start working on what will make you thrive.
Stop comparing yourself to others
I have a friend, Sarah, with whom I bond with since high school. As a mother of two, she has a successful career as a real estate agent. With her supportive husband and a loving family, she is everything I want and everything I am not. She makes me feel less, feel like I am a failure.
So I go through my options: I can burn myself to mimic her success, or I can get to know more about her story. So I went with the latter. And it became a 3-hour talk at her place.
It turned out that she was anxious about not spending enough time with her kids. And the pressure of mortgage stressed the young parents out, just like the rest of us.
Knowing her struggles didn’t make me feel better about myself. But it did make me realize that we don’t know the full story most of the time. Just because your life isn’t Instagram-worthy doesn’t mean you are any less worthy. Focus on your progress and be patient.
Set realistic goals
It’s not a bad thing to be ambitious. But if your goals are lofty and unachievable, they could take a toll on your mental health. To befriend yourself, you need to break down your huge dreams into small steps.
You can’t expect to reach financial freedom in a year if you are still in debt. Instead, make small goals like “pay off your loans in 3 years” or “have a $3000 emergency fund.” Always start with baby steps. When you nail the first one, it creates positive feedback and motivates you towards the next step.
Open up
Another way to befriend yourself is to stop just talking to yourself only. Share your inner critics with a friend or a family member. And open up about your insecurities, your fears, and your worries.
Sometimes you are only aware of your flaws and ignore your shining spots. Your friends and family will help you to see yourself from a third-person perspective. Don’t be the only one that doesn’t see your value and potential.
Pick up a hobby
Living is more than filling your responsibilities. A new hobby can be a game-changer that ignites your passion.
Drawing, dancing, songwriting…there is so much you can do in your free time that will relax your mind. And as you practice, you get better. The sense of accomplishment is one of the many bonuses.
Wondering what to try? Here is a list of relaxing hobbies to give you some ideas.
Conclusion
Self-love is abstract. It’s not just about mindset, but action too. Start small with one or two items from above and see how it goes. And to befriend yourself, follow one principle: if this is something you won’t do to your friend, don’t do it to yourself. Be patient and kind, just like you would to someone else.