What Is Not Self-love? 4 Self-sabotaging Behaviors

Self-love is often used as excuses. Avoid these behaviors that are not true self-love and learn how to love yourself properly.

One of my friends, Rina, once asked me, “what is this self-love club thing all about?” I asked her what did she see.

“It’s everywhere! You go to the spa, and it’s self-love. You have ice cream, and it’s self-love. People these days have to tag #selflove doing everything.”

I laughed so hard. But I can’t argue with that. 

The term self-love is thrown around everywhere, especially on social media. But how do you define self-love? Can you do whatever you want because you love yourself?

When you love yourself, amazing things happen. You know your worth and will be less likely to settle for less. You show others how you should be treated, and you stop feeling guilty for prioritizing your needs.

But all these amazing benefits of self-love only occur when you love yourself the right way. If what you are doing is self-sabotaging, it might hurt your long-term wellness. 

So here are four common things that are not self-love. Scroll on and learn to love yourself the proper way.

What is not self-love

“I am better than everyone else.”

Loving yourself doesn’t mean putting yourself above others.

Narcissists see themselves as the center of the world. They feel entitled and privileged. And everything about them is perfect. But self-love is not that—quite the opposite. It is being aware of your flaws and imperfections. But you embrace it with peace. You change what you can and accept what you can’t.

And arrogance is not self-love either. Just because you value yourself doesn’t mean you should undermine others. Egoists see themselves better than everyone else. In comparison, self-love encourages you to respect yourself as much as others.

It’s like saying, “well, I matter. And others matter, too.” Mutual respect will help you build meaningful and lasting relationships, which will benefit your mental well-being. And that’s the magic of true self-love.

“I can do whatever I want to make myself happy.”

It’s ok to treat yourself once in a while. But it’s not ok if it harms your health in the long run. Instant gratification is not self-love.

When you have a long day, it’s natural to want to treat yourself to a beer, chocolate, or pizza. And when you have a whole day off, you may want to binge-watch Netflix instead of doing anything meaningful. But it could be a problem when the occasional celebration turns into a pattern.

However, when you truly love yourself, you value your long-term well-being more than pleasure. You know you deserve better food. You have better things to do that will benefit your body and soul. And you give up instant gratification for future gains. Loving yourself is not an excuse for over-indulgence or letting yourself go. It’s about doing what’s best for you and holding yourself accountable.

“I don’t care about others.”

Loving yourself requires you to put yourself first. But that doesn’t mean you neglect others’ needs. Unfortunately, some people use self-love as an excuse to run away from others and responsibilities. It’s like saying, “I love myself, so I will not love you or take care of you.”

But it shouldn’t be one way or another. And self-love doesn’t ask you to be selfish. The love for self and others should be able to coexist and thrive with each other.

True self-love is knowing that your needs are as important as others. So you do what you need to do first. And then you spend time helping others you care about and filling your responsibilities. It also means turning down favors that are not yours to take. This way, you hold both yourself and others accountable. No one is sacrificing too much or getting too little.

“If I am not happy, I am not loving myself.”

Self-love doesn’t guarantee happiness-nothing does. It’s natural for your emotions to change with ups and downs in your life. And nobody can be happy 24/7.

Loving yourself is never the magic pill. However, idealists may think of it as the solution to all problems. If you love yourself enough, you should be happy all the time. 

But in reality, it isn’t. But what self-love does is that it keeps you out of your own way. And it gives you the confidence to solve your problems. 

For example, let’s say you are laid off, unfortunately. And now you need to find a new job. Knowing that you are capable doesn’t magically land you a dream job. But it cuts off the self-doubts and encourages you to reflect and take action. 

Self-love doesn’t make you happier. But it gives you the faith to break a slump because you know you can do better; you deserve better.

So what is self-love?

We have covered four behaviors that are often confused with self-love. But what is self-love anyway? How can I tell if I am doing the right thing for myself?

Self-love is a lot of things. It includes:

• Knowing your strength and weaknesses
• Validating your emotions and valuing mental health
• Embracing your imperfections
• Prioritizing your needs
• Being patient with your growth
• Allowing yourself to make mistakes and to learn from them

If you are wondering whether you are doing the right thing for yourself, ask yourself, “will I suggest my best friend do the same?“

For example, will you recommend your BFF spend all her money on a luxury cruise tour? Or will you suggest she make wiser decisions?

In the end, self-love is about treating yourself with respect, treating others with kindness, and holding yourself accountable for long-term well-being. When you love yourself enough and think you are enough, you do what’s right for you, not what’s easy.

What is your definition of self-love?

I hope this post will shed some light on how to love yourself the proper way. And if you find it helpful, share this post with someone that may need the message. Or tag @_OurMindfulLife on Instagram to connect with me.